Ep 40: BDSM Basics – BDSM gone wrong

Sometimes things just don’t go the way you’d hoped. In BDSM, this can lead to bizarrely funny or even dangerous situations. In this episode of Spank U, Next’s BDSM Basics, Anna and Gregor discuss how to avoid any kinky disasters and how to deal with them if they happen anyway.

00:00:00 - Introduction and Host Banter
00:01:24 - Overview of BDSM Basics Series
00:01:58 - Topic Introduction: BDSM Gone Wrong
00:05:30 - Medical Emergencies and Honesty
00:07:05 - Emotional Impact and Aftercare
00:09:06 - Reporting Abuse and Seeking Support
00:10:22 - Connecting with the Kink Community
00:12:18 - Safe Meeting Practices
00:13:33 - Final Thoughts and Advice
00:14:15 - Closing Remarks and Contact Information

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Transcript

BDSM Basics - BDSM gone wrong

Gregor: Hello and welcome back everybody to another episode of Spank U, Next, your fetish and BDSM podcast. My name is Gregor and I'm here with the amazing co-host Anna.

Anna: Sorry, I dropped in too soon.

Gregor: That's okay. How are you doing?

Anna: Great. Um, I got COVID again. I'm sure if someone is an avid listener, they've heard me say that about five times. But I have because I keep going to weddings and getting them. That's the moment I'm in in my life is everyone's getting married and having children, except me. Actually, kind of me. I'm having a kind of non wedding in September.

Gregor: You are actually one which I will not attend. I know, I'm so annoyed. I'm so sorry. OK, dear listeners, you don't know this, but there's actually beef between Anna and me.

Anna: Podcast beef.

Gregor: She even invited me first. But another friend of mine is getting married on the exact same day. And I said no to Anna.

Anna: And you chose her. I'm so sorry for this.

Gregor: And I chose her. I chose her.

Anna: That's okay, you guys have known each other longer.

Gregor: We always say best friends, but it's best friends with limits. Because limits are important.

Anna: And boundaries. I'm very boundaried with you now. Anyway, that was a divulge. So this is another episode of BDSM Basics. If you are new to the podcast, welcome. If you're an avid listener, thank you. You will know, or not know, that these are little short episodes where we go through the basics of kink. We take a subject that, you know, we think everyone that's coming to kink or is in kink should discuss and know about. And today, what are we talking about, Gregor?

Gregor: A topic that I think can be very fun, but also very serious at the same time. It's BDSM gone wrong. Oh, speak. I mean, we all know when the stakes are high, there's a risk of things going wrong. And so I think this can happen. I mean, it can also happen in normal sex, but I think it can happen a lot in BDSM when we have a very, very concrete idea of how things should play out. And then sometimes they don't. And let's maybe start by talking about the reasons why things sometimes don't go as planned. And I think kind of of course one big reason is on the one side there's a fantasy and on the other side there's real life. And in real life things don't always go as you know. And I think this is also something that takes us a bit back to the one thing we always say, communicate before your session. Because I have the feeling that what happens to a lot of people, and I know this because of the fetish.com forum and speaking to people from the BDSM scene, that if we are at home in front of our laptops or, I don't know, just text messaging our play partner, then sometimes we might fantasize about all the things we want to do and how hot it's going to be and how excited we're going to be and how turned on we're going to be and then suddenly we're in the situation and we realize how things get out of hand.

Anna: I think it's like with anything in life as well, your expectation is often very different from reality. And sometimes the most pleasurable and great experiences come from the more spontaneous things and the things that you didn't think were going to go so well. So I think like you say, it's good to like temper expectation while also getting very hot in the moment thinking about it. But also I sometimes think with kink, the talking about it can also set you up for failure in a way, and I know it's so important, we always say communicate, communicate, but that can kind of take some of the spontaneity out of it.

Gregor: In the end, what you want to do is lay the groundwork of having the basics figured out. What's going to happen more or less where the limits, how do we do safe words? Do we do like a traffic light system? And once you have these basics figured out, then spontaneous things can just happen in a moment. And then you're all set up for the fun.

Anna: But also when we talk about BDSM going wrong, that's kind of the nicest way it can go wrong, right? It's just not as sexy as you wanted it to be. And then you have the other side where someone might get hurt or like something might actually go wrong that's actually quite serious.

Gregor: Something sometimes it might also not not work. The scene cannot work and then the best thing you can really do is laugh about it and you know, just take it with a sense of humor and Then what Anna just mentioned of course BDSM and you have to be careful here it can also go badly wrong because sometimes there's quite a lot of risk involved and And people can get hurt like the bad kind of hurt the one you didn't wish for and So what do you do? Of course, you have to kind of, if it's really bad, you have to go speak to a doctor or call an ambulance. And I really recommend in this case, I know it's hard, but you have to be honest about what happened.

Anna: Yeah. Kind of. Totally.

Gregor: Because also the doctors know. They know. They've had weirder cases than yours.

Anna: Yeah. I had a friend, I hope she's okay telling this story. I'm not gonna tell who it is. She's a nurse. and she says that you know the A&E or ER in America room is just full of people with sex and BDSM activities gone wrong and so there was this guy and he had an apple stuck up his butt he was in like so much pain obviously but he just he said he sorry He told the doctors that he was naked and just sat on the sofa and the apple happened to be there and it just went up.

Gregor: Like, of course they know that that's not true.

Anna: And of course they know it's not true. So everyone knows it's not true, but you're lying anyway. I think it would be much better to be like, look, it happened, sex accident. And you know, then it's even less awkwardness actually.

Gregor: Exactly. Just be badass about it. Let people know that you're having crazy kinky sex and that you like it.

Anna: Well, actually his wife was away. He was playing on his own. But you know, whatever. Oh my God. And she had to get called. It was a whole thing.

Gregor: Oh God. Yeah. An apple.

Anna: An apple. But yeah, I think it's like, the more honest you can be, it's like, you know, if someone goes to the ER and they're on drugs or something, it's very important that you tell the doctor everything so that they know how to take care of you. And if something's gone wrong, like maybe you got something stuck inside you that you were playing in a kinky way. They need to know that it's inside you, obviously, and probably how it got there so that they can… I'm no doctor, Gregor, as you know. But maybe that would help to have that information.

Gregor: Then of course another thing or another way in which kink can go wrong is if it causes some kind of emotional damage afterwards. If a situation or if a kink scene really impacted you in a way you didn't expect or maybe kind of you know it might have really triggered some old traumas or was non-consensual. It was non-consensual. There's also abuse happening in BDSM. So they are the most critical, I would say. And here kind of, of course, it really depends what your situation is. So if something happened and it's got to do mainly with you, I really advise to kind of debrief with your partner, you know, to start with this ritual of aftercare because it's just so important to acknowledge what just happened. also acknowledge if it wasn't good maybe without blame if there is no one to blame and and just you know by reflecting on it taking a first step out of the situation.

Anna: Absolutely and you know we've been trying to do an episode about BDSM and abuse for a while and it's quite hard to find people that want to talk about their traumatic experiences but one can be that something that was planned out totally really went awry because someone did not respect the boundaries someone kept spanking when you wanted it to stop someone kept pushing it was very violent And in that case, like with all abuse, it's really difficult for the victims or survivors to come forward and report because also they feel like, well, you know, I asked for it. I wanted to go in this risky situation and this is just what you get. But that's not true. If someone did cross that line, you are well within your rights to report it, tell family and friends what happened. And maybe it won't result in a conviction, for example, because we know how skewed the system is. It's not your fault that that happened.

Gregor: Have you seen Baby Reindeer? Yes. Oh god and there's this scene when he really wants to report it and goes to the police and the police doesn't believe him. They just laugh at him. Exactly. So I really get how difficult this step of reporting something might seem and how uncomfortable it might be in some situations. But I would really encourage you to tell someone. Yeah. You know, just starting maybe don't keep it for yourself. It's just gonna get worse. So maybe you can start by telling a friend or somebody you trust in and then take this next step of reporting it.

Anna: Exactly, and I think you don't even need to tell them the whole thing, you know? I think when we've spoken to someone who went through a very traumatic experience, she felt very alone and like she couldn't talk about it because she hadn't told anyone in her vanilla life that she was kinky. She hadn't told anyone that she was meeting this guy. And so the loneliness really ate at her. But what you could do in that situation is say, look, I met up with a guy on a date and he was very abusive when we got down to having sex. You know, you don't have to say, you know, I was asking for, like, to be spanked and dominated. There is a way to open up to people that they won't pry into your personal life if you don't want them to.

Gregor: And then another step you could take, no matter if there was really a form of abuse happening, or if it's just something that you did that in hindsight, you didn't really enjoy that much is connect with people from the King community. And this can happen at a munch or online in a forum or chat room, because this is really important here. You are not alone. There is a lot of people who had similar experiences to yours, and sometimes it can really help to connect with them. also to get their advice and their story of how they moved on, how they processed it and how they reflected on the topic.

Anna: Yeah, I think it's really important not to feel like you're the only person that's ever happened to because for all the great things that we celebrate about King Comedia Sim, there are some people that do approach it in a very bad way. And it's a very vulnerable place for people that could find people that have massive red flags and who are absolutely doing it because they are abusive and not because they want to communicate and set guidelines and boundaries and things like that. So I would also say If you get a bad feeling from someone, like someone you met online or someone at a munch for example, you're getting that kind of like, okay, I really want to explore this and this guy's up for it or this woman's up for it or they, whoever it may be. If you don't feel 100% sure that this person is someone to be trusted, trust that instinct because I think it's rarely wrong.

Gregor: super important. Yeah, really trust your instincts. And I would maybe also advise, it's okay to take it step by step. Just because you committed to meeting or something doesn't mean you have to go the whole way. Kind of in a lot of cases, especially when it's about online dating, you don't know this person. So it's super okay to just, you know, meet them and then see if you want to do something more. And it's also okay to stop at any time and reconsider.

Anna: Absolutely, and also maybe the first meeting should be in a public place. Like, I know that for my friends who are online dating right now, you know, they would never meet at each other's houses. This is men and women, I would say, more than Grindr.

Gregor: The gays, the gays, we sometimes meet a lot, actually. There's TV series about the abuse that happens.

Anna: I think it is. I just saw that in London there was like this predator that was going around on Grindr, like, you know. Abusing men. So it does happen, of course. I'll never have sex again. You will. Don't worry. But I don't have anything for the female male hetero dynamic. It comes fraught with, you know, risk anyway. I would always suggest meeting for a coffee in a public place first.

Gregor: I would always suggest that anyways, because one thing is how a person is presenting online and a completely different thing is how they are in real life.

Anna: And if they turn up to your house and they're like, oh, you're stuck. Like, you know, when you're outside, you can just be like, look, I've got to go.

Gregor: I always prefer to go to somebody else's house because I can just leave. Yes, that's the small thing. It's so uncomfortable to kick somebody out of your house.

Anna: You have to leave with them, basically. yeah i'm leaving now so you have to like okay we have you have to go like but anyway yeah i think is there anything else growing you need advice about or yeah okay wow this is this has gotten to a bit of a dark place i mean

Gregor: Have fun, go out there and play, but just be aware of the risks and be as safe as possible. I mean, you know, it's never entirely in our hands. Things that seem safe can go terribly wrong and things that seem risky can work out perfectly. So you go along, play, have a lot of fun, have a lot of sex and stay safe.

Anna: Stay safe, people. So on that note, I think we've said all we can say. If you have any thoughts on the subject, please write to us. You can find us on Instagram @spankunextpodcast and by email, which is spankunext@playmedia.com. And until next time, keep it kinky.

Gregor: Keep it kinky. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe to Spank U, Next on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also follow us on Instagram at @spankunextpodcast.

Anna: If you'd like to connect with people who share your kinks, sign up to fetish.com for free or download the Fet app from Google Play Store and the App Store now.

Gregor: And for anyone of you who is looking to deepen their knowledge of kink, head to the BDSM training school on fetish.com and enroll in a course now.

Anna: And last but not least, shout out to our producer, Billy Cragan, our kinky team, and everyone who makes this podcast possible.